Although I was attempting to heal my own wounds, I had what I called - a big “shield”/lock on my heart. Something I was shown in the desert with the Return of the Ancestors last year when I was first made aware of its existence. – (SEE PHOTO ON PREVIOUS BLOG) This past year – a healer named Rosslyn saw it and removed the lock/shield that carried this painful memory.
Years went by – and Sig and I would try to reconcile and heal our relationship – but the pain/fear of getting close from our “past” blockages would pull us apart. I felt sorry for Sig and felt compassion for him after the Polio life –as I was told losing me in the polio lifetime made it
difficult for him to ever love or get close to a woman ever again.
This made me so sad – as I wanted not only to heal myself of the pain –but to heal him too. The loss was so great –that it was “as if” neither one of us could be with each other – because connecting to the feeling of love between us – was also associated with the memories of the deep loss/trauma from this lifetime. It also explained why he had this enormous fear that I would be sedentary and
“inactive” – a lifestyle that he “feared” I would have. But it all made sense when the Polio
lifetime came out in 2007.
But the story goes back many years. Back in 2005, I was layed off from my global project management position at General Motors and decided to sell my house and head west to start a new life and escape the winter blues and this failed relationship. Little did I know –that
Sig was like a “boomerang” that would not go away!
At first, Sig yelled at me when I moved to LA and in anger said “ “Fine! I have a new girlfriend anyways! We had been apart for a long time anyways– yet he was furious at me for moving to LA – and thought I would come home with my tail between my legs in a month or two and that I was just playing. Months went by and I landed a decent job and met Tony shortly after relocating to LA and he became my new boyfriend – so it was clear that I was not coming home and truly trying to move on. Though it was casual and fun at first - Tony was much older than me and had already experienced the love of his life –but was helpful in that he was a good friend to me and showed me around LA -helping me to get acclimated to my new city. Little did I know at the time, I had walked into the middle of a perfect mess. Here was Tony: this older hippie dude that reminded me of Jeff Bridge's character in “The Dude” - A man with a lot of problems emotionally and financially and a man who had a lot of relationship baggage –that included a depressed ex-girlfriend of 12 years that was permanently planted in his life. However, I was too young, naïve and stupid to
fully assess the situation properly and walked into this perfect disaster. It took getting out of this
relationship to realize how I was running “further away” from my problems with
Sig and just getting into worse problems by escaping my unresolved feelings.
Sig too – was doing his best to put me out of his mind and make things work with his new girlfriend. When he called to see me in LA on several trips here – I refused him – as I was trying to be faithful while I was with Tony – but his texts/phone calls always caused problems. I could tell Sig was
crushed and because I seemed happy and “rubbed” my relationship in his wounds–
he did the same - and tried to get more serious and make things work with his
girlfriend in Michigan – even taking her on the same trips that I was taking to
Northern California with Tony. The girlfriend would email me asking me to leave Sig alone
even though I was not even in contact with him anymore – something that
escalated when Sig called me drunk from his best friend Justin’s bachelor party
–something to create “drama” –when I was in little or no contact with him at the time and just trying to heal and move on.
Though Sig was up for a captain position as a pilot, Sig changed his career to fly 757s as a co-pilot - a career move that allowed him to come out west after I moved to LA.Something I did not ask him to do but I know he did because he didn’t want to lose me –yet he couldn’t commit or be too comfortable around me either! In fact, though he was athletic and liked to ski and marveled in showing off ski videos to me - he would never ski in front of me publicly in the 10 years I’ve known him –though my father did gift him with antique INTERNATIONAL SKI CHAMPION SKIS –old skis I happened to ski on as a kid that he cherished and hung his awards from as a shrine to his skiing - which i had yet to see. I thought that making Sig nervous was cute at first –and I must admit – I still find it attractive - but if one cannot be fully organic and comfortable with their own loved one –than it is a problem – and as I explained to Sig - in order to be with me- he needs to be my best friend.
A year and a half went buy and I continued to refuse his calls/visits. Tony, a very intuitive guy - felt uneasy and insecure about my past with Sig (though i never discussed it)– just as he didnt discuss his ex- girlfriend who was a constant presence. In retrospect, Tony and I were just two people with a lot of baggage– who mirrored each other by running away from our core relationships. We
were both still in love with our ex’s but trying to put up a “good front” and be with each other.
Eventually I broke up with Tony while on vacation in Europe. We were in the middle of a vacation and were supposed to tour Czech Republic together – and though it was the end – I felt enormous relief. I stayed at a magical hotel facing the Clock Tower in Prague and befriended many wonderful
people on this journey. Legend had it that the view of the clock had “magical
powers” to evoke one’s creative spirits. So I was “digging it” and thought –
what a great omen for PALS AROUND THE WORLD! My grandma Rose showed up all
through Prague too – trying to “break through” to talk and council me. One day
I was particularly startled as this lady approached me for a city tour carrying
a Rose (so we wouldn’t forget her name) and her name was Rose -just like my
grandmother – and she looked identical to my grandmother. One of many special
magical synchronicities that were signs that my grandparents would be
contacting me soon from the spirit world for the first time. This was the spring of 2006. I
also saw signs everywhere marking my grandfather Albert’s presence too.
I dreamt about Tony my first night in Prague – perhaps because we had just broken up and I felt it was a “goodbye” dream- as I saw his face sinking and fading “down and out” of my life. It was a nice release. I wasn’t sad – just knew clearly he was history and felt a
huge sigh of relief. But here I was, a million miles away from home, yet I was
seeing signs pop up everywhere for Sig all over Europe. The History Museum in Prague had the big Sigmund exhibit and one day I had lunch at the Three Lions pub – a British pub near the
museum that reminded me of England and my grandfather Albert. I sat and watched soccer on the TV while listening to music. The DJ’s selection startled me – as the song that
came on was by Semisonic “SHE”S GOT MY NUMBER” followed by a string of other
songs that were heart to heart connections with Sig and very personal to this
lifetime and our encounter together. It really moved me but I was in denial and
tried to “ignore” these signs – though I did ask the DJ to make me a copy of
the CD mix he was playing because I was “blown” away by the lyrics and the
connection to Sig in each of the different songs.It took me a good two years to summon the courage to share the CD from the 3 Lions Pub with him– but when I did – he was blown away
Sig waited for six months after I had broken up with Tony to come back to me (out of respect) and to make sure I was healed and on my own. It was New Year’s Eve and he
flew to LA –and asked to spend New Year’s Eve with me. By then, I was in a new relationship
with Christian and was not interested in dating him – but since Christian was
away visiting his family and someone I had just started seeing, I agreed to see
We had dinner, a bottle of wine and a great conversation – but that was all. I looked across the room that night and saw couples who had nothing to say to one another – and reveled in the “good conversation” we had together – a really good friendship with so many things to discuss with one
another. I thought to myself that night – it’s too bad we can’t be together when
we have such a strong physical chemistry as well as intellectual chemistry with
each other. I had confessed my recent Polio past-life discoveries and shared the whole experience with him that night. Sig listened intently and said the whole past-life I was describing
resonated with him – including my reluctance to whole-heartedly nurse him back
to good health when he broke his ankle –even though I somehow managed to do it
– (finding him the best ankle specialist, buying his groceries, cooking him
dinners and visiting/pickinghim up from the hospital). It all felt foreign and
uncomfortable for me – but in retrospect, the uncomfortable feelings doing these acts of kindness- triggered the past-life memories of when he abandoned me when I had polio in our previous
life together - and caused unconsciencous anger/resentment to surface. All this making sense to both of us.
On that particular New Year’s Eve, one thing lead to another and though I tried to say goodbye to him – he unexpectedly professed his undying love for me and asked me to please be with him and have kids with him. (Little did I know, his best friend Justin and his wife were having a baby). Though he couldn't bare to tell me about it.) We tried to conceive like we had
tried many times in the last ten years before when we were together and nothing
happened.. Though disappointed that I was not pregnant – I was also relieved –
as although in my late 30s, my parents would not be thrilled with me having a
child out of wedlock, especially my mother. After all, what would the tight
knit conservative Michigan community where I grew up think of that? What did I
care? I lived in LA now and free to express every facet of my core as a human
being. My thoughts, emotions, feelings –without caring anymore what people
thought of me. But regardless of the fact, I did not think it was fair to bring a child into this world unless Sig and I were married and living together under one roof -not oceans apart.
Besides – we were not together and were seeing other people. Though Sig assured
me we would get married if I was pregnant – this just caused more stress and
was not the glue or the solution he thought it would be to make our
relationship work. There was something much deeper underlying our issues.
It was only a matter of time that we tried to reconcile – but the pain was still there and he was still (for geographic reasons) not yet fully able to be with me and so I ended things. So I continued to date Christian and Sig dated/lived with his girlfriend at the time – but he still tried to see me and be with me. I tried to ignore him but he was persistent. I told him to stand on his own and break up with her and get therapy and get his own place in Florida and then, I would maybe consider
dating him again – because it was not right, and I wanted to do the right
One day - his girlfriend found one of our letters and demanded to know when and how many times I was seeing him. It was clear from our “inability” to stop seeing each
other – that we were hurting the people in our lives and making the pain worse
For this – I am truly sorry – but just like my relationship with Tony – people know in their hearts whether someone is supposed to be their life partner or not – its just that some people choose to see what they want to see – or covet what they “want” out of ego -instead of connecting to what’s in
their own hearts and their own “higher purpose and what is truly someone else's path
And this woman Sig was dating in a lot of ways – mirrored me in what I did not want to see in my previous relationship with Tony. Movies like Avatar have forced people to truly examine in their hearts who their hearts are connected to and who they are supposed to be
with – and for that I am grateful to James Cameron, as for so long – people
weren’t aware. Many people on this earth have been asleep - living in their heads instead of their
hearts- and this film is helping awaken people – to bring that message for
people to connect to what not only is truly in their hearts – but to
compassion and love for all of mankind. Now that the shift is lifting the veil
and revealing a lot of truths for people, they can no longer hide from their
true feelings or from the truth anymore.
Its also true, that with the shift – men and women especially are changing and becoming more “instinctual.” When one connects to their “higher self” there is no need for obtaining
advice – as one will truly feel in their hearts and through synchronicity – who
they are meant to be with and clearly – what steps in life are the “right