BLOG - Finally writing again!
During the last several months, life has really taken me on an amazing journey of profound understanding, miracles and healing..
In retrospect, though I didn't entirely understand at the time why I was pulled to visit and travel to certain destinations not on my radar the last few months.. those who know me well - understand it as part of my path of transformation and healing, and that it was a much needed journey for me, as well as for helping to heal my father.
During my overseas travels, my father was faced with emergency heart surgery to replace his aorta. Without this surgery, he was a walking "time bomb" but would first require testing to determine at 82 if he was even a candidate for this life saving surgery. With only a handful of surgeons in the world even equipped to perform the operation
and a long waiting list, I will eternally be grateful to the surgeon Michael Deeb and the staff at U of Michigan hospital who performed the grueling 12 hour operation. My heart goes out too - to anyone waiting or going through any type of life saving surgery involving the heart - as its was not easy! Hearing the news this past summer jolted me being a million miles away and was a big reminder of the fragility of life. Though I haven't taken to share what was going on until recently, the events were too incredible to process and miracles and unbelievable occurrences happened daily while i'll stepped up the prayers.
Though my father is still recovering, I am truly proud of his bravely in deciding to go through with the surgery given the risks involved and the grueling recovery process - but one that he is mastering. He clearly wants to be here and proud of him for facing his fear of death and recovering. While we were all most grateful for the best healers and collective prayers (many from lightworker friends around the world) - I knew he was given a test - as any disease or challenge with health is for us to grow spiritually, and to learn to take part in the healing process ourselves. Others can pray for us, but our own role in the recovery or mastering of any illness is key.
At times this summer being so far away during his healing and feeling ostracized by my immediate family, it was too painful and stressful at times to put into words.. Planting seeds and going where job opportunities presented itself - was the thread that lead me to my own self discovery, personal answers and signs for his healing.. but with the shift in humanities hearts growing - I thought by sharing my own personal struggles - it would help to free me of the captivity and enslavement I've felt heavy in my heart - so that I could continue to heal through forgiveness and release to let it go.
Moving out west 7 years ago was the beginning of my embarkment this lifetime on a path of spiritual growth and opportunity - a path of freedom and knowing, but also a path of profound learning, healing and resurrecting the past - through all kinds of healing
and spiritual pursuits. From studying different forms of buddism and kabbalah to past-life regression, native american vision quests, various forms of yoga, advanced DNA/theta work, pranic healing, trance work and much more.. .I explored a full gamet of experiences that allowed me to nurture my spiritual side in order to heal and grow.. and continue on this path today. As I continue to learn and grow every day, I find a way to process, synthesize and share the experience as it is felt by me and only me.
My unique path is what lead me to ultimately launch PALS AROUND THE WORLD helping kids.. something that will always be a part of who I am and what I'm here to do.
Sadly, like all humans, I am flawed and in my own personal lessons , I have had trouble owning my path at times. Especially the last few years and something this past year I've worked hard to change. Though PALS AROUND THE WORLD formed together as a new grassroots nonprofit, the amount of help and camaraderie
from friends and people who care about kids has been amazing! moving beyond a book authored by me and illustrated by Al Margolis, to a growing team of light workers together truly making a difference!
Pals has made significant progress with finishing our second book on SPAIN, while funding is still needed to complete our next book and every day is still
a new day to find funding, promote the project and go on. Though we have accomplished a lot during the last year and have planned some fun visits/experiences to inspire/motivate kids, there have been moments when I personally failed to "pick myself up again" and keep moving forward, as I would allow the "naysayers" - the people who didn't believe in me, a platform to weaken me and more particularly my mother and my immediate family who showed "deep disapproval" that I allowed to get in my way. In fact, when Pals first launched in 2010, all my immediate family voiced much criticism in what I was doing and wanted me to fall on my ass! Yes, that is the type of immediate family I was born into.
It started with them not having any deep or profound understanding or connection to my path, the Pals project or what it stands for - nor any deep understanding or knowledge of the lives/paths of all of our grandparents. As through past, present and future lifetimes.. we all know each other in different contexts - and our relationships to certain family members vary based in the context of how we know one another before. So naturally, I felt a deeper understanding and connection to certain ancestors in a way they couldn't understand… and in a way they have never explored… not knowing truly the countries of Argentina or childhood visits to England starting at 16 and learning the ways of my grandfather - because it truly wasn't their path or connection! so to them, it didn't make sense.
Born on the day of the Wind.. and the Jaguar in Mayan/Aztec Calendar - my path since birth on my particular day has not been only about kids.. but about my ancestors... just like many of you! particularly the older grandmothers and grandfathers. that is a very important part of my path long before I embarked on a spiritual path .. and something I knew long before I saw it graphed during a Mayan Calendar "101" lesson a few weeks ago.
When we first launched Pals in 2010, I embarked on a book tour bringing me back home to the Detroit area. When I arrived for the summer, my older sister was on a committee for a children's book fair in the suburbs of Detroit and she pretended Pals didn't exist.. My mother too, her best friend, (both avid readers who live vicariously through books), went every day during my visit to this local book fair never mentioning my book or telling anyone about Pals!! It was clear that both of them didn't want the book known or circulated when I was there visiting to promote it!.. It was my kind neighbor growing up named Marlene who invited me to the book fair not realizing how truly uncomfortable and unsupportive my mother was towards me and my first children's book . But when Marlene unexpectedly called inviting my mother to attend the book fair with me, my mother had no choice but to "save face" and go. After selling all the copies at one of the book readings and coming home one night, my mother - without asking how it went was overheard on the phone telling my cousin Alicia that it wasn't successful that day! Yes, it was clear my mother has trouble in the area of motivation and encouragement and wanted it to fail along with many other special moments throughout my life both personally and professionally. Though I pray for her and forgive every time she does something hurtful- (too many to count) - the more i pursue my own path - the worse our relationship has become at times. Though I have expressed myself many times, with love and gratitude telling her how grateful I am for teaching me to read, write, cook and for enlightening me through culture and a good education - I clearly
cannot make herself proud of me or see the good she created in me and at time it hurts.
Years of therapy have allowed me to heal and create a way to accept this behavior - because its not about me - it is her and her journey..and wanting to control me and have me be someone else. I can pray and heal myself - but I cannot do this work of acceptance for her. So these days I have come to a path of my own acceptance. And hope that one day she sees the good and success in others - as well as in herself.. as I am truly an image of her and learned to do many things well from her as a smart, talented and beautiful person ..Though our relationship is strained and far from perfect, I picked to be her daughter for her good qualities and for all she has done well to educate and provide for me, raising me and being able to provide opportunities to grow and learn. In turn she agreed to have me as her child to learn as well.. As all contracted relationships this lifetime are agreed upon.. . And for that, I am truly grateful and will continue to do my best in honoring this agreement the best I can despite how I'm treated.
Though my path is about love… my mother's actions and my father's at times throughout childhood into adulthood clearly hurt! and it set the tone for abusiveness and how my siblings treat me today.. But as time went on, I became stronger. I forged ahead the best way possible to handle and heal the situation. Being younger and not close in age to my siblings - it truly didn't matter to me.. I had my own life, my own friends and wonderful grandparents that nurtured and loved me. Working hard, I do blame myself for my own failings at times - but each experience is for us to learn from it and become stronger… I also sometimes wish I was less sensitive and a tougher/more resilient person when it comes to family's criticism/negativity. As just like bullies on the playground, when you let someone belittle and criticize you, you are letting that person succeed in bringing you down - because maybe something about you makes them feel inferior or less of a person. And if someone is judging or comparing themselves to you and angered and outraged by anything you do in a loving way, than maybe they truly don't belong
in your life.. because being YOU doesn't work for them.. and you have to own your path and have to be true to yourself.
And I share this with the hopes that others who have "naysayers" in their life cut the baggage and surround themselves with encouraging, supportive and loving people - and forgive those who clearly don't know what they do..
just maybe one day those who put you and others in their life down will see the efforts you are making and the goodness that is inside you.
but unfortunately not everyone will - as not everyone is loving or kind no matter how we treat them back… and as much as we want to be liked or even loved at times - you simply can't always make people like you… because its not about YOU its about them and how they feel inside..
.. But the point is to never let others criticism or negativity impact you or get you down. And turning the other cheek is easier said than done, but with time, efforts and forgiveness - it can be done.
Haters may never change or like you - but the beauty is - you can "kill them with your kindness." Find something to like about them and send them love back.. Even apologize to them for whatever you may or may not have done to offend them - at least you
are honoring them for who they are and showing them love by seeing the love and goodness inside them.. Remember, you don't have to be around anyone that doesn't reflect your love back - but you won't be taking in their toxicity either and your
goodness will form a barrier of protection to grant you the "right" love and support in your life on your path.