PART 1: Reflections on this Autumn Equinox during one of the holiest days of the year - Yom Kippur.
Though I am a spiritual person - not religious, Ive worked very hard at forgiveness.. Yet there is much even my closest friends don't know about me that I was saving in my memoirs. Sharing some of it today heals me and in is quite cathartic for me on this "holy day" of atonement and must be said. Though I have often written about what I have been through with my abusive parents - particularly my abusive/controlling mother, something very few of my peers have really understood.. yet I pray every day for love, healing and forgiveness - like I do every day..
Yet in the last few years looking back on the traumatic events that I have had to experience.. I have often asked myself .. how do I forgive a mother who has put energy into harming me and controlling me and other people's paths?
And how do you deal effectively and compassionately with those that don't understand energy and how someones intentions can harm other people? Communicating in the best way possible is something I work hard at.. You can forgive a person who is mentally sick.. yet you cant always forget.. and so you go around those who get you..and support you.. and love you.. and you stay away from those who don't.
Yes Cora from Storybrooke in the show "ONCE" is like my mother.. or should i say she was the like King "Uther Pendragon" in MERLIN on the BBC.. with her narrow-mindedness growing up and her control trips - especially for those who used their light-healing gifts for good in this world.. yet that is what it felt like growing up with this person as my mother.
Though I'm no Regina..and have some of the qualities of the character "Emma"... I am not a good or bad witch with powers.. I am me.. my own soul.. and my own person with my own story to tell.. ..and Im feeling stronger and healthier every day for speaking out and sharing these truths.. It is for my souls purpose and for my protection that I am sharing this today. It is also for the protection of all children including my six niece and nephews - so that their paths and their heart will never ever be controlled or tampered with - not while i am around to protect them.
As I have written about... The past is over... and though i cant change what happened or how my mother treated me...or other people I love that were hurt in the process.. What I can change is how I deal with it and my future.. and as a writer - I choose to write about it to heal.. In fact, while writing this blog today, I surrounded myself with white prayer candles and prayed for "extra protection" and guidance to use the right words to express myself.. as I received a phone call from a company while writing this .. saying I didn't pay my cable bill since 2012, when I pay it every month on-time. I explained to this bill collector who was "in error" that I had a heated exchange with my mother threatening me with bad credit this morning (which i don’t have) and that she was trying to shut me down - and offered to email her a snapshot of my online payments from my bank .. which nice lady Andrea quietly understood.
More validation that this story needs to be told.
My whole life I have spent trying to get away from my troubled youth and dysfunctional parents since healing/helping my mother especially was not working.. so i ask if you are reading this.. to say a silent prayer that she gets healed or removed from my movie..
It was healers/lightworkers that helped me realize that my path was designed this way to help children for me this lifetime to stand up and using my Voice and to get away from her trying to harm my path and that of my ancestors who have guided me with my work helping children..
As I have written many times.. it was not my job to heal my mother..and any kindness towards her was used to harm me.. so here it goes.. the cardinal rule is .. you can pray for someone's well being.. yet you can never heal someone you dont have permission to heal.
As some of my friends and acquaintances know from my blogs, in my thirties, my ex-boyfriend Sig and I tried have children and it never happened.. with many energies and blocks in our path to be together - mostly from my mother..much of our connection was kept private and the strain was too much to be together at times. Years later, I had a miscarriage (though not very far along) and as many of you know, I was dismissed and treated like an outcast - especially by my mother and two sisters who had nothing to do with me. Yet flash back to 2000.. during my first year dating Sig..back to the start of the story.. when he actually met my birth family for the first time at my mother's birthday dinner at Ruth Chris in Troy, Michigan. Dinner was fun for us.. yet the interference and anger of our playful affection displayed towards one another was felt by my birth family at the table..and they were NOT happy about it. Anger especially was felt by my mother with who was irritated and uncomfortable with our playful affections towards one another. In fact, my siblings were annoyed too, as my mother only approved of more formal behavior and those who didn't display public displays of affection.. Anyone who had a true heart connection around her angered her. Especially because my cold father never hugged her or showed her much affection.. she was seething under the surface on this day.. and wanted me to date men who were like my dad.. "cold" and not that affectionate..and not into treating woman with displays of affection. Since this first meeting with Sig was her birthday.. it was "All about me" - the first children's book I wrote that year to help heal children and teach them to play with their "inner-child" something essential - that everyone know and love themselves..especially during childhood devlopment. During this first impression meeting, Sig did the right thing and bought her flowers.. as i insisted..like other boyfriends in order to "keep the peace." and blend into the scenery. Years later when Sig and I broke up and I moved out west.. my mother came over the last day i packed up my house in 2004.. and she was crying.. yet i distinctly felt and realized that day that they were not tears of a mother who would miss their daughter.. .. they were tears knowing she put energy/harm into Sig and I not being together and being with other people (Other things came out showing me this..)....My dad on the other hand.. couldn’t even see me that year to say goodbye.. as he had that vision for Sig and I together knowing and feeling his past-life connection to us both.. yet being together .. it reminded my mom of my dad's connection to his lost love Helene for some reason.. perhaps the chemistry? yet it was sadly projected onto us as a couple.. Leaving Detroit for good that day was an akward day to say the least and I ended up in bed with an 100 degree temp and the flu from packing my house up myself - while my sister Pam was called to help with the movers..given my health. Again, the signs - it was clear to me.. yet i just wasn’t brave enough to speak the truth or acknowledge what was going on..
Shortly after moving west, I was overjoyed being around my cousins and Dorita who was the mother figure i so needed in my life to raise me up and boost my self-esteem. A few months later.. I met Tony.. yet when my parents visited that winter.. my mom never had a problem with him because he just wasn’t that into me and like my father, Tony was a cold fish publically and privately with not much affection but with friendship.. He was a good person and a good friend.. but dating him was more a learning lesson.. showing me mirrors in his life of my dysfunctional parents and their relationship I endured in childhood. My father on the other hand, sensed Tony was a bit of a player and much like my father in his younger days.. He also felt bad for Sig and didn’t really like Tony for me and sensed we didn’t have a deep connection. Yet my mom liked him for his mistreatment of me - and when they criticized me.. they loved that Tony would "chime in" and put me down with them. Something i wasn’t going to tolerate for very long.
Since Tony was somewhat established in life, treated me to nice dinners and not overly affectionate, my mom was somewhat accepting as Tony made my parents feel more secure and "less threatened" in their own marriage.
Yet, as I tell clients... there are all different kinds of love and relationships in this world and you cant make someone stop comparing themselves to your movie - especially a mother that never dated or had any warmth to her.... and you cant cure someone's insecurities.. All you can do is accept people as the are and move on...
After moving out west, I eventually become more wise and didn't put my heart and feelings on display in a family that married more for status, position and to be "taken care of" financially instead of a real heart connection..yet pictures and chemistry of people always tell the truth.. It became apparent looking at old family photos.... as pictures tell a thousand words....
People in the privacy of their own bedrooms and relationship should be able to know the true worth of what they really have with a person..and those who are true to themselves..shouldn't need mom or dad's approval or disapproval.. as YOU are the captain of your own heart.. and I really wasn’t a rebel.. I was a "good girl" with a few relationships - yet I was also a truth teller and a wisdom keeper who saw and felt the dynamics of dysfunction that other people in my family couldn't see or admit to themselves.
My escaping was really protection for me, my heart and my path. This especially became apparent when my parents had one of their abusive episodes a few months ago forcing me to I cancel my plans to see them after this 5 year separation since my father and Sig had their aneurisyms at the same time 3 years ago.
Flash back to this past summer, my parents wanted me to fly in for a family reunion that was more "for show" to try to salvage their reputation than really wanting to see me. It was also my dad's wish with close friends losing their father to make peace with me now that he is in his 80s and unable to protect me anymore from my mother and her controlling ways. Something he has felt bad about.. With dementia and old age - her "group hate" has become his hate too for survival.. and when I speak the truth it hurts him and his heart.. so i don't call or talk to him much these days..
After canceling this visit with my parents, I was hit in the back of the head really hard in a rear end car accident a half hour later. Though i was okay, this left me with a slight concussion! The man who hit me was really apologetic and polite and so was his daughter.. yet my head was throbbing and I really needed an ambulance - yet i didnt have insurance so i didnt dare call for one..and healed it myself. Yet the energy of them trying to harm me this past summer was directly felt! and when they went to their family reunion - they acted as if they didnt know anything happened to me when they knew the truth of what their anger caused.... my cousins too that day noted how "preoccupied" they were with their own lives and movie that they couldn’t be bothered mentioning it.. let alone, asking anyone else about their lives.
SInce this incident..I write about it for protection and to ensure it never happens again.. as my messages and the source of where energy is coming from is always "crisp and clear" .. again..writing is my purpose and my protection and I especially feel safe with everyone more clued in to what has happened.
Though there are the rare occurences of "real true love" in my family .. like my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Bob who were together since the age of 13 or my grandparents or even my brother during the honeymoon stages of his engagements and Lis and Mark too.
What I learned, was that too much display of mutual affection between two people still makes my parents angry and uncomfortable..yet when there is no chemistry or real sparks between souls.. my parents are okay with it.. as the way my mother wanted me to be "unhappy" mirrored the same jealousy/resentment my father had when my brother is in love or "lovey-dovey" with a partner.
In fact, with his new girlfriend Patti - (who i have never met) I had to set my father straight a few days ago - as he was saying harmful things about my brother that he is a slut and has different children from different women.. This couldn’t be farther from the truth! my brother is a good man - he just wants to please my parents and he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he has been trying to please them his whole life at the expense of his wife, his children and his own happiness.. It is my hope for him whatever he choose that he does not let my parents dictate his love life anymore, his heart or his decisions... It is also my hope that he grows in compassion and kindness... especially towards me as his sister with what I have been through. I can wish that for him, yet these are lessons he will learn from my example.
...yet the same way my parents have tried to harm me...my parents were doing a few days ago to my brother.. and that is why even though my big brother is far from perfect why sometimes "I am the Voice" for him... to point things out to him when he cant see the truth or doesn't want to hear it, face it or admit it to himself.
Though I am focused on "my own movie" these days.. It is for the protection of his path, his reputation, his heart and his family that i defended him last week. I don't think my father will be saying or doing this to hurt my brother anymore - as its simply NOT true and I will not stand for it.
Being the youngest, I witnessed my mother controlling my sisters dating choices too.. insuring that ex-loves she didnt like or "approve of" never made it and were dumped....including Pam's ex in LA - Lewis, Lisbeth's broken engagement to Keith and my brother's ex-fiancee Jennifer that she clashed with before he married Karen - and both who my mom grew "disenchanted with" because Randy really was following his heart.
To control her own unhappiness, my mother enjoyed when people were not happy.... and by controlling her own environment and that of her children's choices by cultivating "status" trophy marriages around her that were more business decisions - it made her feel powerful and it gave her something to "brag" about.. - Something as “Real” as deep heart connections - was foreign to her and made her feel threatened.
To understand and be secure with different types of relationships was not possible for her.. especially since she was a woman who never dated anyone before she met my father at 19. Even so, her character was always using "logic" -not heart as a very cold and emotionless person.. that clashed with me..as a person following a “heart” path. For example, I never once received a hug or a kiss growing up and now Im sure to always kiss and hug people I love and care for and make sure they know it! Fortunately for me.. Dorita and my grandparents taught me what its like to receive love and affection as surrogate mother and father figures - and Im so grateful I had that growing up - when many children dont!
Childhood issues that caused my mother to be cold are not necessarily my grandparents fault. It was her character. There are many foster, adopted and single parent homes too were the children are perfectly loving and kind - so you cant always blame it on childhood issues when someone's character is like this..
its just who they are.
I tried to help my mom heal with Louise Hay and other meditations.. yet developing heart can only be shown by example..and that person will learn to grow a heart when they are ready.. Her way of showing love was spending money for my education and my early travelsI (yet with resentment).. even to this day with all I have been through.. I still have much love/gratitude for this experience and education.. yet that is not love. Yet she does not understand this fundamental difference.
It was my mothers lack of experience that made a mysogynist and insecure father like mine feel secure in knowing that my mom knew nothing about love and the world. I share this story.. not for pity.. or to harm them .. but to show others what ive been through to help those in abusive families to heal and grow.. especially parents like mine that sought to harm and control me. .. to the extent that they were willing to try and destroy me with energy a few months ago. That is NOT ever going to happen again!.. especially with this blog and my faith, prayers and protection. Ive learned and know too much to ever let that happen.. and people feel it and know it too.
The lesson here for others reading this is that when you do have someone
special in your life that you love..know that sometimes you must protect it and protect your heart. Atleast in the present moment.. i hope too by sharing my story that all forms of meanness and petty jealousy goes away for good in our world..
It would be a much better place if it did. I know this is a big lesson for me as I explain the turn of events here from my early days up until now..
For a sample of what love looked like with my ex-boyfriend - the Sig I knew
that is no longer spiritually here today.. here is a photo.
The past and this person I knew are gone.. yet this is what LOVE looks like
like the song "I will remember you" I have never shared a photo of the two of us until today as rememberance of the past. Today, I have only good memories.. yet i have so much love in my heart that I have created and will continue to develop this new chapter in my life thats unfolded this year in "my movie" as I am happy and I am healed and im in LOVE with life.. what this new story will be.... <3